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grief & loss

Helping Someone Who's Grieving

Is someone you know grieving a loss? Learn what to say and how to comfort someone through bereavement, grief, and loss.

Young woman, arm around another, comforting her

How to support someone who's grieving

When someone you care near is grieving after a loss, it tin exist difficult to know what to say or do. The bereaved struggle with many intense and painful emotions, including low, anger, guilt, and profound sadness. Often, they besides feel isolated and lonely in their grief, since the intense pain and difficult emotions can make people uncomfortable about offering support.

You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making your loved one feel fifty-fifty worse at such a difficult fourth dimension. Or peradventure you recall there'due south little yous tin do to make things better. That's understandable. But don't let discomfort preclude you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. At present, more than always, your loved one needs your support. You don't need to have answers or give advice or say and do all the right things. The most important affair yous tin do for a grieving person is to simply be there. It'southward your support and caring presence that will help your loved 1 cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.

The keys to helping a loved 1 who'southward grieving

Don't permit fears about proverb or doing the wrong thing stop yous from reaching out.
Permit your grieving loved 1 know that y'all're there to mind.
Understand that anybody grieves differently and for different lengths of time.
Offer to help in applied ways.
Maintain your support after the funeral.

Helping a grieving person tip 1: Sympathise the grieving process

The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped you'll be to aid a bereaved friend or family member:

In that location is no right or incorrect way to grieve. Grief does not ever unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Anybody grieves differently, so avoid telling your loved 1 what they "should" be feeling or doing.

Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are mutual. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess virtually the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. Your loved ane needs reassurance that what they feel is normal. Don't judge them or take their grief reactions personally.

There is no set up timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, merely for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don't pressure your loved one to move on or make them feel similar they've been grieving too long. This can actually slow the healing process.

Tip 2: Know what to say to someone who's grieving

While many of us worry about what to say to a grieving person, it'due south actually more important to mind. Frequently, well-significant people avert talking about the decease or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned. Or, knowing there's nothing they can say to make information technology ameliorate, they try to avoid the grieving person altogether.

But the bereaved need to experience that their loss is acknowledged, information technology's non too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won't be forgotten. One solar day they may desire to cry on your shoulder, on some other 24-hour interval they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or share memories. By beingness present and listening compassionately, you tin can take your cues from the grieving person. Simply being there and listening to them tin can exist a huge source of comfort and healing.

How to talk—and listen—to someone who'southward grieving

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it's of import to let your grieving friend or loved ane know that you're there to heed if they desire to talk about their loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don't steer away from the subject if the deceased'due south name comes up. And when information technology seems advisable, ask sensitive questions—without beingness nosy—that invite the grieving person to openly express their feelings. By simply asking, "Do you lot feel like talking?" you're letting your loved one know that y'all're available to listen.

You tin can besides:

Acknowledge the situation. For example, you could say something as elementary as: "I heard that your male parent died." By using the word "died" you'll show that you're more open up to talk well-nigh how the grieving person really feels.

Limited your business organization. For instance: "I'1000 sorry to hear that this happened to you."

Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and once again, sometimes in infinitesimal detail. Exist patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and compassionately, you're helping your loved one heal.

[Read: Bereavement: Grieving the Loss of a Loved One]

Enquire how your loved one feels. The emotions of grief can change apace and then don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels at any given time. If yous've gone through a similar loss, share your ain experience if y'all think it would help. Remember, though, that grief is an intensely individual experience. No two people experience it exactly the same mode, so don't claim to "know" what the person is feeling or compare your grief to theirs. Over again, put the emphasis on listening instead, and inquire your loved one to tell you how they're feeling.

Accept your loved 1'southward feelings. Allow the grieving person know that it's okay to weep in front of you, to get angry, or to suspension downward. Don't try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn't experience. Grief is a highly emotional experience, so the bereaved need to experience complimentary to express their feelings—no matter how irrational—without fear of judgment, statement, or criticism.

Be genuine in your communication. Don't try to minimize their loss, provide simplistic solutions, or offer unsolicited advice. Information technology's far better to just listen to your loved one or but acknowledge: "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."

Be willing to sit in silence. Don't press if the grieving person doesn't feel like talking. Often, condolement for them comes from simply being in your company. If you lot can't think of something to say, but offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

Offer your support. Ask what you lot can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or simply exist there to hang out with or equally a shoulder to weep on.

Things to avert saying to someone who's grieving

"Information technology's part of God's programme." This platitude can anger people. Ofttimes, they'll respond with, "What program? Nobody told me nearly any plan."

"Look at what you take to be thankful for." They know they take things to exist thankful for, simply right at present they are not important.

"He'south in a improve place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Continue your beliefs to yourself unless asked.

"This is behind you now; information technology'southward time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved i. Besides, moving on is much easier said than washed. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its ain pace.

Statements that brainstorm with "You lot should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead yous could brainstorm your comments with: "Have you idea about…" or "You might try…"

Source: American Hospice Foundation

Tip 3: Offer practical assist

It is difficult for many grieving people to enquire for help. They might experience guilty about receiving so much attending, fear being a burden to others, or simply be too depressed to accomplish out. A grieving person may non have the energy or motivation to call y'all when they demand something, so instead of saying, "Allow me know if in that location's anything I can do," brand it easier for them by making specific suggestions. You could say, "I'yard going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?" or "I've made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?"

If you're able, try to be consequent in your offers of help. The grieving person will know that you'll exist at that place for equally long as it takes and can look forward to your attentiveness without having to brand the additional effort of asking again and again.

There are many applied ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

Shop for groceries or run errands.
Drib off a casserole or other blazon of food.
Help with funeral arrangements.
Stay in your loved 1's home to accept telephone calls and receive guests.
Help with insurance forms or bills.
Take care of housework, such every bit cleaning or laundry.
Sentry their children or pick them upward from school.
Drive your loved one wherever they need to go.
Look after your loved 1's pets.
Get with them to a support grouping meeting.
Accompany them on a walk.
Accept them to lunch or a picture.
Share an enjoyable action (sport, game, puzzle, art projection).

Tip 4: Provide ongoing support

Your loved one volition continue grieving long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person, just oft lasts much longer than well-nigh people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may demand your support for months or even years.

Proceed your support over the long booty. Stay in affect with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending messages or cards. Once the funeral is over and the other mourners are gone, and the initial stupor of the loss has worn off, your support is more than valuable than e'er.

Don't make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside they're suffering. Avert saying things similar "Yous are so strong" or "You look and then well." This puts pressure on the person to go along upwards appearances and to hide their true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never experience the same. You don't "get over" the death of a loved ane. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over fourth dimension, only the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year volition be specially hard for your grieving friend or family fellow member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you lot're there for whatever they need.

Tip v: Watch for warning signs of low

It's common for a grieving person to feel depressed, dislocated, asunder from others, or like they're going crazy. But if the bereaved person's symptoms don't gradually start to fade—or they get worse with time—this may exist a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such every bit clinical depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional person help if you observe any of the following warning signs later on the initial grieving period—especially if information technology's been over two months since the expiry.

Difficulty performance in daily life.
Farthermost focus on the death.
Excessive bitterness, acrimony, or guilt.
Neglecting personal hygiene.
Alcohol or drug abuse.

Inability to enjoy life.
Hallucinations.
Withdrawing from others.
Abiding feelings of hopelessness.
Talking about dying or suicide.

Information technology can exist catchy to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person as you don't desire to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your ain feelings: "I am troubled past the fact that you aren't sleeping—perhaps you should look into getting assistance."

Take talk of suicide very seriously

If a grieving friend or family member talks nigh suicide, seek help immediately. Delight read Suicide Prevention or call a suicide helpline:

In the U.S., telephone call 1-800-273-8255.
In the Great britain, telephone call 116 123.
Or visit IASP for a helpline in your country.

How to comfort a child who'south grieving

Fifty-fifty very young children experience the pain of bereavement, but they learn how to express their grief by watching the adults effectually them. After a loss—particularly of a sibling or parent—children need support, stability, and honesty. They may as well need actress reassurance that they volition exist cared for and kept safety. Every bit an adult, you tin support children through the grieving procedure by demonstrating that it's okay to be sad and helping them make sense of the loss.

Respond whatsoever questions the child may have as truthfully as y'all tin. Employ very simple, honest, and physical terms when explaining death to a kid. Children—especially young children—may blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them see they are not at fault.

Open up communication volition smooth the way for a child to express distressing feelings. Considering children often express themselves through stories, games, and artwork, encourage this self-expression, and look for clues in those activities about how they are coping.

Helping a grieving child
Practise:
Allow your child, however young, to attend the funeral if they want to. Convey your spiritual values almost life and death or pray with your kid. Meet regularly as a family to detect out how anybody is coping. Help your child notice ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person. Continue your kid'southward daily routine as normal every bit possible. Pay attention to the way your kid plays; this can be how they communicate grief.
Don't:
Strength a child to publicly mourn if they don't want to. Requite false or confusing messages, similar "Grandma is sleeping now." Tell a kid to stop crying because others might get upset. Try to shield a kid from the loss. Children pick up on much more than than adults realize. Including them in the grieving process volition help them adapt and heal. Stifle your tears. By crying in front of your kid, you send the message that it'southward okay for them to express feelings, too. Plow your child into your personal confidante. Rely on some other adult or a back up group instead.

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Source: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm